8 mths

I have been through 8 months of purgatory my children have cried screamed laughed hugged and broken down.... I have begged pleaded and pored my heart n soul to soul one who would listen..... We are here riding our bikes we eat our veggies and brush our teeth, we floss and bathe and pray our routines help us make it to the next day. I work front lines mental health and addictions and as of today im breaking.... I get up work wonderful and love and engage in therapeutic relationships..... My family has been a beyond support and I would not be typing without their support. So here I am on a Thursday baking beets n zucchini yearning for simplicity. I want my kids to be free of the pain they are in.. Praying and begging they will i didn't know and I if I did I would have saved them. I didn't know I had no idea and for that I will cry and if I have to work 5 jobs to get them the help they deserve I will . They all came to me when people said I had too many.... They have brought me love and I will teach them how to have hope and how to define their future

Tendencies

I reconnected with my birth dad on August 27 2011 and he has been a daily aspect of my life since. I needed it, he needed it and I feel blessed. When I reconnected with him I felt like a large portion of my heart had been filled. Through all the bull**** with the unnamed I was married too, through the heartache and pain he was there supporting me. He drove out on Saturday from Alberta to bring me a new vehicle and meet my munchkins, eat ice cream and laugh. He is in addition to my father who raised me and still loves me, I gained a whole family and see why I'm so quirky and read too many books, I wave my hands about when I talk like uncle Glen, I laugh like einie I talk too much I have crazy curls I take Metamucil three times a day and my chocolate almond addiction is generational. My kids loved every minute of getting to know a part of who I came from and aside from the car and financial support since August I have had consistent love and an emotional support that has truly helped me graduate and feel like its going to be ok. I am my words and I have so much I want to say to help me heal however I know that some will use my words as ammo and I won't give them that opportunity. I am a survivor not a victim my children are the strongest little people I know, they too are heroes in my eyes and will cone out if this storm with their heads held high. II had a heart to heart with my Rylie Dawn Alwyn tonight and as much as it hurts I look at her and know she will help so many in her time. She loves like no one I know and fights even harder. My Ty squeezes my hand three times to let me know he loves me and I return the squeezes. Noni brings us continual laughter and energy and Livie Lou is the most delicate Venus Fly Trap u have ever met! I am one blessed woman I have a career that I cherish four children who were sent to lift me up..... I am here and it is now and u will keep fighting for what I believe in and I will work my *** off to heal my cherubs and provide for their every need. I will spend too much money on skin care and snort when I laugh! I will eat gluten free( begrudgingly) and take the bloody garbage up the hill. I will teach my children that love is essential kindness will be given to everyone and judgement will be excluded from their vocabulary. I will most likely raise my voice too much and continually beg for more patience. I will work on becoming published and grow my hair so long you think I think I'm freaking Emily Bronte!!!

Lost in translation...

I have been warped somewhere between too much on my plate and there is still too much on my plate however I now don't have to study... For me this means I am attempting to adjust to my life post nursing school. I am catching way more of my fav shows, chilling with kiddos, attempting but never successful with the laundry :) and reading for enjoyment!!! There are also challenges the kiddos and I are facing that have pretty much shook me to the core and made me question, scream, cry, collapse, punch pillows and rely on friends and family to keep me afloat... None the less we are here  facing each day with smiles (sometimes not so much), I am a happily graduated Registered Psychiatric Nurse, my kids will be returning from a dream vacation from Alberta with my parents tomorrow. I am so grateful they were able to go they have been through more since March 6 2012 then anyone should have to go through and they were in need of an escape.

In the role I play as a nurse I never thought I would have to access the resources I tell my patients to access... humbling doesn't even begin to describe how it feels, but I work with some amazing peeps who are supportive and awesome and I have interacted with different community agencies both as a nurse and a  mother/consumer.

So one last night to myself, one more morning with the option of sleeping in (even though my internal clock wakes up at 6am daily with or without kids!) and then I get to see my rugrats:)

Love for Milla Re-Post!

Wowzers!!! I was rather massive!!! Over 100 lbs gained to produce 10 lbs of awesome babies :)

Some friends move far away but the memories created will always be dear to our hearts! Milla this repost is for you :) I love you....


This past week one of my dearest friends moved. Milla and I met at work two years ago and hit it off instantly. Milla Sean and baby Chase leaving is extra hard for me because Milla was with me in the delivery room when I had the twins. The day before she left she brought over the photos she took of the twins and I. It brought up so many emotions! Some I would rather not remember and others brought happy tears and smiles to my face. Now the following photos are not for the queasy. I realize not all viewers are into the whole naked bloody baby pictures followed by me looking like a swollen cave woman, but I am reminising and going down memory lane, so bare with me.

Mummy and Auntie Milla with the twins. I really want you to know Milla how much I truely love and appreciate you being there for me. Being on my own I was so scared to go into the operating room, especially since I had had a C-Section before an knew how scary it was. You are an amazing friend and by sharing my birth experience with me you will be imprinted on my heart always. Thank you and I love you and when Oliver and Olivia are old enough to understand how important friends are I will tell them of you, being there for me and them. Thank You.

Original post here :)

8 days....

8 days till my exam i am freaking! hence no proper punctuation in this post.... last shift tonight until after i write the whopper.... study mayhem ensues beginning tomorrow morning.... terrified, anxious, nervous, excited, scared, pressured etc are all running though my veins at any given moment... i cant express how excited i am to just work and go home no more school, clinical, preceptorship plus 2 jobs and then studying throughout the night... just kids and patients and the usual rigamore that takes place

GRADUATION

I graduate tomorrow!!!!!! I feel like its more than just school I'm graduating from. Life has been rather challenging this past while and I am becoming stronger by the minute and it feels great! I have to admit I am so gosh darn proud of myself. I have not slept a full 8 hrs in yrs, I have forgone my short term memory in hopes of remembering everything I have learned, I have puffy eyes most days and I have no idea whats in fashion but none the less I am fully clothed and walking and that is an accomplishment!

I am not going to my graduation because of practicality reasons (single mum 4 kids...) instead I am working which for me is great! What a better Grad gift than employment :) I still have one more milestone... The EXAM ! So here's to accomplishing a dream, one that many told me not to do, one that many criticized through the process and one that I knew all along was possible no matter the number of kids I had or how many sleepless nights, I knew it was temporary and the reward bigger then I had imagined.

E is for Exhausted

I am nearly done with nursing school.... I finish my preceptorship on March 21 and then classes until April 20.... and then study study study and write my exam on May 16. In between around and during that I still have to work, cook, clean, care and love my kids, pick up, drop offs and everything in between. It may sound as if I am complaining and.... I AM!!!!

I am tired and I cant wait for my school journey to come to a close and my go to work go home life to begin. I would not have made it through graduation, a divorce and everything else that life has dealt me in the past 6 months without my parents here and in Alberta. Their love and support keeps me afloat and helps me make it another day with my head held high. The support of my siblings whether it be through Instagram or a text means the world to me. The random cards from Sherwood Park Alberta make me laugh and bring a smile to a sometimes troubled day.

My friends :) You know who you are, you answer the phone when I call and listen and support me. You drop by with goodies to cheer me up and lend your ear yet again. My friends from Utah! I love you, my friends in Asia whom I miss dearly and feel grateful to still keep in contact with and all those in between Utah and Asia who bring me strength.

My co workers rock and are taking me to the Fox and Hound to celebrate the close of my preceptorship with my preceptor as it is his last day too.. He was chosen for a very prestigious position, we are both moving up!

Most importantly my kids! Without them I would not have the ambition and ability to press on, forgo sleep and snort when I laugh. They have taught me that hard work pays off, sleepless nights are temporary (sometimes they seem like an extended leave) and education sets you free.

Hugs and Love to all those in my life that are uplifting and dog gone awesome! And a heartfelt thank you to my churrins for putting up with my studying pooped out behaviour :)