Twisted emotions

Mother's Day aka I'm happy I have kids to love day went well. Kids did their best to show me they cared. They appreciated the smorgasbord of food and gave me kisses and hugs.

They also didn't put their shoes away let the dog out, forgot to flush the toilet and had temper tantrums. Left a Popsicle on the carpet and snuck marshmallows into their room.

I guess part of the reason I somewhat hate this holiday is because I used to think it was my sole purpose and its not. Society says I should be fed in bed and garnished with lavish gifts. The man in my life should show me he cares, don't have that and even when I did I didn't get that.

I'm a mum a single mum a single full time working mum who is exhausted most days but choose to keep trucking along to teach my kids the value of education love and dedication. How life is about kindness and helping others, not judging and always having laughter. It's about each of us individually not being told who we are and what our journey is. That's for each of us to decide.

What I do have is a clear conscious I'm doing everything I can to teach and love my kids. I have four bright beautiful happy kids who call me mum. I have parents ( 3 of them :) ) who truly help me every day. I have friends and colleagues, teachers, therapists and neighbours who love us and look out for us.

So here's to women who each have a different picture of their motherhood and so they should were each individuals!

Still a little down as part of the territory of single parenting is keeping your cool and scheduling your meltdowns as not to damper the morale of your troops aka kids:)

Mother's Day Twist

I have a hard time on holidays they bring on a feeling of sadness for me.... So this year instead of feeling like I'm all alone and sailing my ship solo which is true I'm deciding to not focus on that. I wouldn't be a mum if I didn't have my four beautiful children I wouldn't be a mum if I didn't feel overwhelmed exhausted and not doing everything right, which is a universal feeling. Whether single, happily married or not. You don't have to have kids to be a mum, you don't have to birth kids to be a mum. It symbolizes love and compassion and an ability to carry on and care for.

Tomorrow will be " I'm blessed I have my kids to care for" day!!

Without my mum I wouldn't be able to work, I wouldn't have as many smiles as I do. Motherhood doesn't end at 18 and I'm grateful at 30 that my mum still has my best interests at heart.

I'm happy my kids are sleeping in the living room while I type. I'm blessed Rylie stayed up till 917 painting me a gift . That Oliver is the best farter. That Ty spilled his beans and told me what he made me and that Olivia is wrapping her prized rocks for me.

I'm one lucky woman... I have amazing neighbours who moved in on the same day 5 years ago our kids are so close, they roam from house to house all day. I have family that love my kids as their own. I have the most amazing kids who call me mum! And yell it too lol

Ty: you are so amazing you run like lightning and you have a gift I can't wait to see you grow in your talents.
Rylie : you are my flower, determined delicate and beautiful, I look up to you.
Oliver: you are the humour in our lives you bring sunshine and laughter.
Olivia: you show me love and kindness. You are independent and gentle.

Grateful for simple

One thing I didn't realize before I started my career was the sorrow and loss people experience every day. Kids are dumped in ER because their foster parents don't want them not to mention what their birth parents did. Teenagers cut themselves so they can feel. Elderly men and women have no one to see them to the end. Mothers and fathers end their lives because the hurt is too much. The drugs on the street are so potent they can kill with one injection. People choose illicit substances over their children. People suffer from mental illness and battle the persecutory voices in their heads. I would like to think there's more good than bad but most days my job confirms that there's an awful lot of horror.

I'm grateful my kids get grumpy and go through the recycle I organized to make transformer outfits. I'm glad I get to come home and see their shoes and crawl into bed with at least Oliver who has convinced my mum he needs to sleep in my bed:) I'm grateful my mum cares for them while I work. So grateful.

Pickled beans and coconut chocolate cookies

I baked cookies and brought milk he was touched and gave me homemade pickled beans.... Sometimes simple gestures can bring such calm.

My grandpa loved birds we would go to the grocery store and buy loads of bread and feed the birds a top his garage.

A crow pooped on me.

On my walk with livie a crow landed on a statue and we watched and giggled.

A story of a crow was told.

I have always loved birds sometimes life puts events and encounters in our path and it all connects like a puzzle at some point. I don't know why this particular case has hit home with me but it has. It's helped cement how blessed I am for what
I have.

Crows

The people I meet and try to help suffer in a way that no human should. Tonight I listened as a man shared just one horror that he went through as a child. Looking in his eyes was hard.. His pain was still present over 40 years later. He told me how he ran climbed a tree and bashed his head till it bled. It was all he could do to try and numb the pain he then ran to a playground and a crow landed on his finger. He kept the crow for a month it didn't leave his side till he went back to the playground and he flew away. In that moment not one person comforted him but that crow brought him hope. Where was a person someone to hold him? Someone to care? There really are times when people have no one ...

The reason he ran to that tree is a reason the death penalty should exist. It's the reason I get so angry with this world.

All I have ever wanted is for my kids to know that no matter the trauma they endured I love then and am trying to do everything to help. I see him... older and still believing that no one cares. It breaks my heart.

It's easy to get lost in our lives of busy and stress and forget that there truly are people suffering to a degree that is unimaginable. I don't ever want to be a person that is too busy to care, too busy to look outside of myself and not help. The next time you see someone pushing a shopping cart with bottles or getting short with their children, a person wearing not as much clothing as you would, a person who won't smile or anyone other than yourself ... They are human and we all hurt and bleed blood.

It's not enough to say but there's so much good too. There isn't. There's enough awful to keep me and thousands of other people employed for life.

I guess tonight just hit me, he touched my heart....

Quick

Happiness now to me is not what I think I should be doing based on what others tell me what will make me happy. I'm learning each day what actually makes me happy. I now know that the daily task of being a mum, dad, career woman, stay at home mum on my days off etc.. Makes me happy, sad angry elated giggle snort kick the door and collapse at night. So in a nut shell happy :)

And bows they make me very happy

Ginger roots and matcha

We had a great adventure packed two days in Vancouver! Throw in a night of luxury and we were thrilled. It felt great to get away and leave the rock we call home, with that said we were so happy to set sail and come home.
I had a huge pilgrimage on my hands with four kids in a big city. I realized I'm terrified of driving over bridges even though getting lost had us driving over lots. My kids went mad with me driving I'm circles past Helmcken Street! Ty said " mum if you drive past Helmcken one more time I'm pulling the car over and driving!"

It reminded me of Paris and my dad driving in a roundabout for 45 minutes cursing in Afrikaans ! I cursed up a storm and am grateful I live on an island :)

When we pulled up to the Sheraton and the valet took out car Oliver asked him not to steal it. Rylie walked into our suite and nearly peed her pants! Which was nothing compared to the look on their faces when the room service came in on wheels with a nice man dressed to the hills. We ate spaghetti n meatballs like kings looking out out window at the city that never sleeps from 14 stories high.
We had a visit from a dear friend and the kids were tucked into duvet heaven.

Science world was experienced as was the Asian market which I was so happy about, showing the kids the treats I used to save my pocket money to buy in Hong Kong. Then the pictures came ... Over a handful of sweet Asian tourists came up to take their pictures and rub their blonde hair , it was hilarious once they knew their pictures were being taken they all posed!

A cop rolled his window down as we walked across the crosswalk and yelled " they all yours? Good on ya!" We drew a lot of attention and the kids loved it.

Granville island was a blast as was walking in Kitsilano and walking Robson next time China town here we come!!

Rylie is my emotionally insightful child she wanted to know why people pushed shopping carts and slept in doorways, she wanted to know about China's one child policy about why the city with " so much money has people sleeping on the cold ground".

Ty felt like the older wiser one walking around with his hands in his pockets spelling out signs for Oliver. Olivia and Rylie decided they are saving up and moving to Vancouver so they can get a puppy and walk the streets! Ty and Oliver decided to keep living with me through university.