Sleep insomnia and the goose

As I lay here wishing I could sleep I think there are far worse problems I could have. I trained myself to not sleep; nursing school 2 jobs 4 kids abusive husband I truly had no time for sleep and now that I've rid my life of disgust, garbage and abuse and just have one job and four kids I still can't sleep.

I think about work I think about my kids, I plan meals and think " ill do more cleaning tomorrow". I think about books and my next solo trip to see my dad, I think about trimming Louis's facial hair and scrubbing baseboards. All the while my body needs sleep. I've tried chamomile tea, prescriptions, meditation and deep breathing.

So ill type and hopefully fall asleep... But alas I'm still awake.

On a side note I think about geese how were told they never fly solo... Well guess what we all fly solo at some points and you know what we're that much more tough capable and determined then when we were not.

Sadness happiness

I love my kids I love my garden I love my career I love my fridge. My kids are permanent my garden (small) needs tending my fridge needs cleaning.

I'm like a panini grill that doesn't know if its off or on .

I'm a mum a nurse I love my kids I love my job. There are unions and uncertainties . My kids are good bad and just kids.

We went to our school fun fair... I splurged they laughed I came home I cried....

Single parenting is like a medium rare steak some think its perfect others think its not good enough. All I know is I try so hard to make it well done....

Goodnight I'm up at 5 to work at 7 to try and heal....


I clip my succulents I watch my kids I do my hair I cook supper I love nature.

Twisted emotions

Mother's Day aka I'm happy I have kids to love day went well. Kids did their best to show me they cared. They appreciated the smorgasbord of food and gave me kisses and hugs.

They also didn't put their shoes away let the dog out, forgot to flush the toilet and had temper tantrums. Left a Popsicle on the carpet and snuck marshmallows into their room.

I guess part of the reason I somewhat hate this holiday is because I used to think it was my sole purpose and its not. Society says I should be fed in bed and garnished with lavish gifts. The man in my life should show me he cares, don't have that and even when I did I didn't get that.

I'm a mum a single mum a single full time working mum who is exhausted most days but choose to keep trucking along to teach my kids the value of education love and dedication. How life is about kindness and helping others, not judging and always having laughter. It's about each of us individually not being told who we are and what our journey is. That's for each of us to decide.

What I do have is a clear conscious I'm doing everything I can to teach and love my kids. I have four bright beautiful happy kids who call me mum. I have parents ( 3 of them :) ) who truly help me every day. I have friends and colleagues, teachers, therapists and neighbours who love us and look out for us.

So here's to women who each have a different picture of their motherhood and so they should were each individuals!

Still a little down as part of the territory of single parenting is keeping your cool and scheduling your meltdowns as not to damper the morale of your troops aka kids:)

Mother's Day Twist

I have a hard time on holidays they bring on a feeling of sadness for me.... So this year instead of feeling like I'm all alone and sailing my ship solo which is true I'm deciding to not focus on that. I wouldn't be a mum if I didn't have my four beautiful children I wouldn't be a mum if I didn't feel overwhelmed exhausted and not doing everything right, which is a universal feeling. Whether single, happily married or not. You don't have to have kids to be a mum, you don't have to birth kids to be a mum. It symbolizes love and compassion and an ability to carry on and care for.

Tomorrow will be " I'm blessed I have my kids to care for" day!!

Without my mum I wouldn't be able to work, I wouldn't have as many smiles as I do. Motherhood doesn't end at 18 and I'm grateful at 30 that my mum still has my best interests at heart.

I'm happy my kids are sleeping in the living room while I type. I'm blessed Rylie stayed up till 917 painting me a gift . That Oliver is the best farter. That Ty spilled his beans and told me what he made me and that Olivia is wrapping her prized rocks for me.

I'm one lucky woman... I have amazing neighbours who moved in on the same day 5 years ago our kids are so close, they roam from house to house all day. I have family that love my kids as their own. I have the most amazing kids who call me mum! And yell it too lol

Ty: you are so amazing you run like lightning and you have a gift I can't wait to see you grow in your talents.
Rylie : you are my flower, determined delicate and beautiful, I look up to you.
Oliver: you are the humour in our lives you bring sunshine and laughter.
Olivia: you show me love and kindness. You are independent and gentle.

Grateful for simple

One thing I didn't realize before I started my career was the sorrow and loss people experience every day. Kids are dumped in ER because their foster parents don't want them not to mention what their birth parents did. Teenagers cut themselves so they can feel. Elderly men and women have no one to see them to the end. Mothers and fathers end their lives because the hurt is too much. The drugs on the street are so potent they can kill with one injection. People choose illicit substances over their children. People suffer from mental illness and battle the persecutory voices in their heads. I would like to think there's more good than bad but most days my job confirms that there's an awful lot of horror.

I'm grateful my kids get grumpy and go through the recycle I organized to make transformer outfits. I'm glad I get to come home and see their shoes and crawl into bed with at least Oliver who has convinced my mum he needs to sleep in my bed:) I'm grateful my mum cares for them while I work. So grateful.