Lonely bologna

Lonely bologna yes I said it! I like bologna and I'm lonely! I have four kids two cats ( plus azlan whose still missing) and one dog but sometimes here it comes.... I get sad I get lonely I cry .... I have a career ,children and co workers, friends amazing friends but alas I get sad. Sometimes I feel the blues and that's normal but it hurts.... So ill cuddle Louis and kiss dukie tuck my kids in and watch Netflix. Odds are ill still be blue but ill get through. All I ever wanted in life was simple love happiness babies and learning. I have that yet I have gaps.... When my nearly 5 year old demands bologna at 8 pm ill b grateful for him and smile I have bologna... Cheers

Puzzle pieces

After a frustrating day of opening
government letters and more clean up regarding the unspeakable I had a long talk with one of my best friends ( he's also my birth dad) he said well one day soon this puzzle will be done. It got me thinking about expectations and timelines, there are moments during hardships that one thinks this has to be the last piece and then boom! It's not it keeps going. Which is life I get it, doesn't make it easy it just it was it is. So I'm beginning to think the 50 piece puzzle with no corners is actually 1000 pieces and I am on my way to completion. The finished project will be an ending to a time, travesty and tears. To keep me pressing on I'm thinking to April to our epic road trip :) it's somewhat a right of passage for me if you will. Four kids under 8 , 14 days , dozens of destinations and loved ones to hug. Picnics at random parks, swimming in hotel pools and counting mountain sheep. The kids are so excited, I'm nervous but really happy. One of the best stops will be seeing Milla and Sean and their kids. Milla was with me when i delivered the twins she cut their cords and was the first other than the doctor to hug kiss and hold them tight. That will always keep us kindred spirits and dear friends. The below photo is such a favourite of mine it makes me smile and brings me back to the strong identity I had of myself when it was taken. Ill get back to feeling as good as I did in that photo... I will

Writing my Rights

To set down in writing what my ‘rights’ are. Right a moral, ethical, or legal principle considered as an underlying cause of truth, justice, morality and or ethics.
We each have our own right, our own moral compass, what makes us tick, what brings us joy and what pushes us to do more. I have a difficult time emotionally when others feel the need to tell me what ‘’right’’ looks like and subsequently how I am not ‘’on the right path’’. My path is my own and I will navigate it how I see fit and believe that it is part of the journey having the right to do what we want and feel is best.

Whether it be religion, spirituality, absence of religion, nature, family or friends our own choices should not be spoken ill of. I believe I am a human being first and foremost, a woman who is also a mother, a nurse, a person who loves life, laughter and learning. My wish is that each journey we go on can be respected and not attacked, I suppose it’s a bit of a rose coloured wish however I can exemplify that in my own interactions with others and hope that it is done in return to me.

I really do not think mass amounts of people can or should have the exact same opinion on every subject and our own opinions and stands are molded and shaped throughout our lives as we go through experiences so to judge and cast negativity on another’s journey is simply in my opinion so unwarranted and can have emotionally trying effects on those who are being cast against. Life is too short to think we have all the answers and that our right is the only right. Imagine if there was only one form of painting that was right? Think of all the amazing pieces of art that would be wrong? Is it bad to think the Venus of Willendorf is just as valuable in Art History as a piece by Georgia O’Keefe? Then why as humans do we feel the need to let other people know how wrong they are….

Twas the night before....

Christmas!!!! The kids are watching Santa Paws 2 in the boys room I'm waiting for them to crash so I can start and finish my wrapping. This year has been a year of re birthing in so many ways! Tonight just knowing the kids and I and safe and happy is the best present I could ask for. Last year I did not know how or if I was going to finish nursing school and today I have a permanent line in our beautiful ER. Last year I had no idea how I was going to get through each day.. Today I know I have friends co workers and family members that lift me up continuously. Last year financially it was not possible to get through but I did, not alone though with the love and support of others. I have been blessed with meeting professionals who have loved the children and I and listened to us on a weekly basis, guiding, encouraging and supporting us. I am blessed for what I have and for what the future holds. The last year at times was hell pure hell, so to sit here in my house with my lovely babies and the Christmas tree glowing to me is a miracle, I honestly didn't think it was possible. Merry Christmas ! May the simple joys pile up and overpower the negativity!

Love

As the holidays are here :) I'm feeling grateful for my sweet children for the love they show me and for our laughter. They are each so unique and beautiful and I feel blessed to care and love for them.
Ty you are my mini me, stubborn determined and genuinely care for others, I love you.
Rylie you are my angel you are beautiful and strong, emotional and loving.
Oliver you are our laughter, you are the most strong willed person I have met and I'm proud to be your mum.
Olivia you are sweet and feisty! Delicate and headstrong, you bring so much joy to my life!!!

Holidays

Holidays have sadly become hard for me, I've grown more in 12 months then I had hoped too... seen the love of family members, and experienced support from co workers in a way I could not have imagined. As we try to pick up the pieces and create new memories it saddens me that past memories are tainted. Saddens me that we have to swim harder to just breathe.

I know we will make it out shining that we will find peace, the journey some days is harder than others.

I have family and friends near and far people that have chosen to be there for me and have not passed judgment . For that I am grateful....

I think sometimes that I think too much especially when my mind is racing of what is expected of me both spoken and non verbal. I think about bills, I think about love, I think about why and I think about time.

I find myself overwhelmed with the tasks ahead and an reminded of my days with four kids under the age of 3! I did it I smiled I laughed and I was happy surely four kids under the age of 8 is more than doable its attainable.

I have been blessed with determined little fighters who together with me, there typically overwhelmed mum get through each day. There has not been one day in the past year that I have not been loved and helped by those that mean the world to me. I truly don't know how to begin to repay them.....

This holiday season we will eat too much chocolate... We will create lasting memories we simply cannot forget as its the first holiday in years we are safe and can just be as we are.

Merry Christmas!!! Happy Chanukah and just a really good December!!!!