Lots of Spills and Sunshine

Lots of Spills and Sunshine

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Stolen Idenity

LOST: What I thought was my 'identity'

FOUND: A little piece of ME

I have gone back to work at a Salon and Spa here in town, and Todd is running the fort at home! I love being a hairdresser and esthetican and am so loving my "free" time. Since I ran my fort on my own for 4 years I knew giving up home control would not be easy for me however I was not prepared for Todd to be better at it! In one week he single handily eliminated bottles from the twins, reduced soothers to bedtime and got Ty eating more than just one food group! Olivia has started walking, blowing kisses and says doggy! When I come home and say " Livie say mumma", she responds with "no -dada" and reached for Todd!

So grateful am I that I have an amazing husband for myself and father for my children.
So jealous am I that he is a better at staying home than I was.
So sad am I that I didn't receive Livies's first kiss.
So happy am I that I get to express myself artistically all day and get paid for it.
So plagued am I by yet even more guilt to swallow.

As a mum I struggle with guilt. It is a daily issue for me, I am constantly replaying the days events, thinking about what could have been done better and contemplating why I lost it!- my mind that is- I know my current 'issue' is that I am loving doing hair and esthetics full time, I have regained a huge chunk of my self esteem. By getting dressed up everyday and making people feel better about theme selves has in turn made me feel better too. Through my 2 year grind at single motherhood I lost part of Chelsea, the part that made me 'tick' before I had kids-
I was very sure in my identity as Chelsea the single mother to four kids. Take away the four kids and the single mother title and I was no where to be found. I am finding her and loving it! Why then do I feel guilty? Partly because I thought as a mother I was irreplaceable and now due to Todd's superior qualities I am feeling very replaceable.

So as not to get sucked into my own guilt and pity I am deciding to throw my guilt surrounding work in the garbage and be thrilled that I have a husband willing and loving enough to stay home with the kids! I am also joining a gym tomorrow because working around over 60 mirrors all day is a great way to draw attention to the fact that I still have 40 lbs of my 100lb twin gain to loose!

I love you Todd


The Briggs said...

Kids are a whole new ball-game! You have to learn to re-do everything! Good for you for regaining yourself! One day I will come to Canada and come to your spa! I bet your awesome!

The Sartori's said...

as good as Todd is, you are still the mommy. Not better or worse, just different roles. Once the "newness" wears off it will even out.

I always feel like the mean one. The enforcer the disciplinarian the rule maker. Andy is the fun one and the playful one. But Boston still cries for me to come put him to bed.

I love being a stylist as well. I had to find the balance between work and babies and marriage. I am still trying to make it all work. But I love being to do something I love that is so much fun. My salon is getting ready for competition next month. SO excited

jenn said...

I understand the mommy guilt. Our situations are different, but I do the guilt thing too.

It sounds like the kids are doing well and so are you and your husband. It's okay to be happy. Enjoy it!

JaredandKristy said...

It's hard not to focus on the shoulda woulda coulda's of everyday life dealing with kids. Mommy guilt is hard to deal with, and we should all just get rid of it! (wish it were that easy!) It seems to me like you are doing a great job and no mommy out there is perfect. I am so glad you are getting a little bit of the old you back, and don't feel bad about it. There are some great things about working outside the home, it's great that you are making other people feel good about themselves. And I agree that the newness will wear off a little with Todd and it will even out and they will want you again when you come home, but I am quite impressed with what he has been able to accomplish! Getting rid of bottles, etc. can be quite a challenge! I'm glad the kids are adjusting well to having him there, and it's great that he's doing such a good job! (:

JaredandKristy said...

P.S. We need a picture of you with Todd to check out and see the newly married couple!

Lyndsay said...

Chels I am so glad you are back working. "Me" time is essential to all moms! I love you and I NEED TO MEET TODD!!!!

Gavin, Laura, and Sydney said...

Well said! That is great you have "found yourself" again. I think most moms lose themselves in the daily grind of motherhood! I'm so glad you have such a great, supporting husband!

Ballwife said...

Chelsea- Yae for you. I can't imagine what life was like with 4 babies all by yourself! Just the fact that your kids are alive after that should make you never feel guilt about anything you do now!! Yae for Todd!