Often sometimes

Sometimes I think of life as I thought it "should" be often I wonder why do I think like that.....

Sometimes when it's 0300 and I'm on nurse/mum/Laundry /puke patrol I become overwhelmed that's its just me... Hauling mattresses into the tub to scrub.. 

Often I'm happy and smiling that despite all odds and stats were happy and well. Often I think wow Chelsea your doing it. 

Like that time we whisked off to Ucluelet I wore a hot mess of a Walmart masterpiece to hot tub in ( I forgot my swimsuit and Port Alberni had limited options) . Ty said " mum your still beautiful"  despite leopard print misplaced  hot shorts and a " top" that would make seagulls run.  Like the time I worked late and picked up overtime to pay for doctor assessments. 

Then there's sometimes when I think why? how? Can I do it? 

Then I remember the often and I crawl into bed with one or more munchkins that have snuck in, I use the tip of the pillow and curl up in a hockey blanket and or heart fuzzy one depending on who has crashed my bed. 

I wake up tackle lunches breakfast dressing brushing ( I could care less if they have tangles) matching socks are for .. Well not me.  drop off kids head to work and bam :) 

But despite it all, the lack of sleep the yearning for "alone time" I am blessed with four kids who are amazing people and they call me mum, they also yell and freak and hug and kiss. They are real little. Munchkins and I'm their mum and we all share five things in common: 

Kisses 

Love

The ability to yap your ear off

The love of learning

Cats!!! Cats are awesome and we will all testify to said fact! 

Just life

We, We each have circumstances that make  our lives unique. Uniquely tragic and uniquely beautiful. 

The times we feel vulnerable make us human.

I feel vulnerable quite frequently. Actually all of the time. At work at play at love.

It's not easy trying to piece and demonstrate, that being strong and feeling weak is normal.

I'm grateful and appreciative for my drive and my family. I'm so needing our upcoming Uuculet getaway. Storm watching, hot tub, comfort food,cuddles and toques.

Missing our Louis....

My name is batty the logic is erratty

It's true I go batty for birthdays and make myself crazy prior to the event. This year for Rylies I was sick too :( 

I ask myself and I've been asked... 

So why do I spend days on the cake weeks planning the shin dig? I do it because there's four of them and one of me. Because I don't have the time in a day to give each of them every bit of attention they need. Between working full time and all that encompasses running a household of five I feel guilty. 

I do it because I always have and they talk about their cakes year round they google ideas, draw pictures, discuss amongst each other what they should choose for their next theme. 

I do it because its now tradition one I hope they bring to their own families one day. Even though they all reassure me they're not having kids :) 

Rylies self esteem weighs heavy on my heart for many reasons and today seeing her with her bestie and her sister made me smile. She felt like a big shot and loved the attention. 

Ty's 9 Rylies 8 Oliver and Olivia are in K!!

Well honestly August and September have been insane! Ty is 9, Rylie is 8, the twins are in K!!! The kids went to a garage sale up the street solo with the neighbours, I have had oodles of fun making lunches, my brakes ( on both vehicles) and tires have decided to go kaput! I'm having to switch my thinking from " why can't the other parent do what is right?!" To "no matter how tough ill figure it out and do what's right for my kids". Easier said than typed. 

I'm loving my new schedule weekends holidays and Wednesdays off its honestly like winning the jackpot for the kids and I.

Thank you mum and dad and Jeff for all you do! The childcare, the suppers, the hugs, the texts, the flowers, the gift cards, the unconditional love and for truly being there for us. We couldn't do it without you! 

I think the NyQuil has set in! Tomorrow it's manicures lunch and a birthday bash for my favourite 8 yr old most beautiful Rylie Dawn Alwyn:) 

In my next 30 years

I'm gunna ..... 

1 be more patient 

2 eat more eggplant

3 kiss my kids more

4 say more kind words 

5 buy more art

6 go to Alberta more

7 eat more cheese 

8 study more art history 

9 go to law school 

10 enjoy diet dr pepper guilt free

11 visit Utah 

12 eat sugar cane 

13 watch a drive in movie 

14 use less FB 

15 own and love a Persian cat 

16 make baklava 

17 build a tree house

18 tummy tuck!!!!!!

19 kiss under mistle toe 

20 take my kids to Ireland 

21 visit Prince Edward Island 

22 write a book 

23 publish my book 

24 grow cucumbers and can pickles 

25 build a library with a ladder like in beauty and the beast 

26 go back to Hong Kong 

27 learn to quilt

28 be a better mum 

29 kiss a toad 

30 own a horse  

RCMP cousins family love worn out

My sister and her lovely family visited! A week of water my parents kitchen and cousins bonding it was great! 

Rylie and Adisyn became instant best friends and cried when they said till next time. Ty loved his uncle Brian and I would catch him touching Brian's arms it was very sweet. Livie and Mallory really hit it off the last day so wonderful for all the kids. 

All the kids loved Trenton who wouldn't he's a great kid. I still remember when he was born :) 

Flying off a tube and wearing a swim suit were both accomplishments even though my rear end flew past my sisters faces lol 

We went to the RCMP musical and it was lovely. Canadian pride, singing our anthem with RCMP officers on their gorgeous horses and hearing Ty belt it out and seeing his Canadian pride was great. 

Seeing rylie's excitement over horses brought the reality of family genes passing down. My birth dad has a love of horses and seeing rylie in heaven with them reminded me of him and of my grandmas stories of her riding her white horse to school in the snow. 

I'm also tired of thinking that the other parent will kick in and support. It's apparently too much to ask and alas it's all on me financial dental medical cuddles and worries. 

I turn 31 on Wednesday and in the past year I've realized I do freak flip and panic in crowds gatherings and get togetherness. It's hard for me. 

I'm blessed despite the hard times and the constant worries I have four beautiful children who put up with my anxieties and moods. They love me and are great. 

Oh and thank you for penicillin. Two girls have ear infections and Oliver's hangnail turned into cellulitis! 

Plastic and pop!

For all those anti plastic Sayers here's a thought: 

It holds the cartridge for my sons steroids that enable him to breath. 

It encases the sterile instruments the doctors and surgeons  use to successfully deliver yours and my children via c section. 

It carries oxygen to critically injured patients. 

It encases the medicine that is injected and saves lives. 

It's easy to think go green I'm green I'm go BPA use glass ,

grown your own. 

Modern technology is as much a gift as preserving lets not be so damn one sided and stop judging the diet dr pepper drinkers :)

Buying from a grocery store keeps farmers and thousands of employees employed just as buying local supports local. 

Two pics because I love him a lot :) 

Short tall or just a measurement of space

Over the years I've heard the following from strangers : 

He's your oldest but he's soooo short! 

To which I reply: he may not be tall but he's not an idiot and comments like that are pathetic! He standing right here! 

To which I wanted to say : but you're ignorant and that's just a shame. 

You should put him on steroids! ( lady at grocery store ) 

why so he can be tall and dumb like you? 

Ty has had a few kids at school say things like: he must have a disease he's so short. To which I marched into the principles office. 

Seriously height is a measurement of what? How close you are to the dirt verses the sky? Does it make you more intelligent? NO does it make u kind? NO

Over the past three years Ty has had every test run ( because I wanted up make sure there was nothing going on that I wasn't aware of). Yesterday at his paediatricians this was the conversation:

Dr. Menard: Chelsea do you remember where and when Ty had the hand x ray and sweat test? 

Chelsea: no lol

Ty: I do it was at the hospital they also drew my blood and the X-ray was at Madrona x ray! 

Chelsea: good memory Ty!!

Dr. Menard: Ty I'm happy to report you grew an extra 2 centimetres last year and your growing at the same rate as the taller kids you're just more condensed!

TY: pulled a total Tom cruise jumped on his chair shook the doctors hand and said " sweeeeeet!" 

As much as he handles the comments and replies " ya but my brains bigger" I know he secretly doesn't want the twins to creep past him in the height department. Seeing how happy he was over 2 centimetres puts things in perspective. 12 gruelling months to grow 2 little centimetres and he was thrilled!  

Love u munchkin! 

Golden succulent late nights!

Golden Girl reruns make me insanely happy! I just love then with a cup o tea and a blanket bymyself. 

Succulents: well I'm obsessed to say the least I drove 1.5 hrs with the girls to Comox to island succulents to pick some amazing new plants. They really do brighten my spirits and make me smile. 

Late nights: I still don't sleep that is all. 

Body image, woman, ramblings of my heart

It's a bad thing at first I think only because I perceive mine as bad when I think deeper. Body image is just that body image is neither good or bad. How we perceive our image is either negative positive in between or variable to how we feel emotionally. As a "modern" woman I hear and see what I "should" look like. I also hear and see how I should be a "mother" a "working mother" a "single working mother". People tell us what we should believe how to feel what to eat wear and whose shoes we should purchase. 

I have spent far too much time dwelling on what "society" Instagram and Facebook tell me to be never mind other forces like family friends etc. 

I love me and my brain I'm grateful for my drive and my determination yet when I look in the mirror I don't like. Except my nose I like my nose :) 

Here's to accepting me and creating my wish list and my goals based on me not anyone else. I know I'm not the only human struggling with identity and body issues. 

I wish that we can just be us I can be me which is ever changing and growing. As a woman I find its likea competitive    rat race . Do you have a degree? Where do you work? How many children? What does your husband do ? Are you vegan gluten free and dairy free? Do you heaven forbid buy your cucumbers from superstore? Do you work out? Rock red lipstick? When's your next marathon? Where do you vacation? How many extra curriculum activities are your kids in? 

It's insane!!!!!! I hate the rat race I'm not a rat! I'm not a Costco play date mum where did you get your kids boots?

I work full time to support my kids and to exercise my brain and my dreams. I have four kids because I chose to. I'm a single mum because I'm divorced. 

I'd rather take my kids on adventures solo id rather grocery shop by myself. Id rather work then stay home full time and I have to. I'd rather have been divorced multiple times then stay in unhealthy and  abusive marriages. 

I'm Chelsea and I currently don't know everything or much of anything and I'm perfectly fine with that! 

And I love that we each are entitled to our own wants needs wishes desires and dreams. 

Rylie Dawn Alwyn

Rylie had many names before Rylie was chosen... The day before she was scheduled to be born via c section I printed off a list of R names and on the way with her dad to his grandmas we picked Rylie from the list. 

If I had it my way she would have been Hazel Alwyn:) when I was pregnant with her I went to see my grandpa who was dying... I actually ran away and little did I know it was my last time seeing conversing with my grandfather. We chose Alwyn because his name was Alwin Frank . He said " we'll you can't call her frank that's awful :) so we switched the I for a y and out came Alwyn.... Then out came Rylie with Hazel hair. My grandpa died 7 days later, I still have not been to his grave ( death is hard for me) and I was not able to travel post c section to his funeral. 

Rylie reminds me of him she has his spirit his love and his charm. 

Today we went to Target to walk around hold hands and try to help her calm down. She broke down and told me her worries and as her mother I want nothing more than to take them away and lynch  the monster and make him pay! However  I'm her mum and if I acted on my primal instincts I'd be whisked away. So instead I just squeezed her hand three times ( our signal for I love you) and hugged her. 

5 years later true to form

Five years later....

Ty in control the level headed sometimes dictator of the household. A complete joy and bundle of cuddles.

Rylie posing smiling brightly while simultaneously preventing Oliver from climbing off the chair. She's a multitasking kind hearted spunky girl.

Olivia has the most attitude in the condensed size. She's love and makeup mischievousness wrapped in fairy form.

Oliver always having his sights set on the next step the next adventure. Determined and more stubborn then rinsing out a peanut butter jar! We wouldn't have him any other way.

Me I'm somewhere in the background avoiding the flash some say it brings out my vampire.